Under the weather..

The Time is Now..

All of this happened too fast. One day I was on top of the world, the next I couldn’t tell up from down. I feel so lost, a stranger in my own world. Looking from the outside in as the world passes me by. How did this happen? How did I end up so lost? So disconnected from who I used to be. Who I was seems like a mystery, a dream I remember but can never see again….now I face reality. I can’t even trace back to when it happened. All I know is that feeling became too much for me, so I decided I wouldn’t feel anything at all. Numb my heart to dull the pain, I don’t want to feel the cold of today. Today was yesterday, yesterday became last week, last week turned into 6 months, and now this is just who I am…hard on the outside, too tough to feel.
This works for me. Helps me to protect myself from any and everything. Some may call it a defense mechanism, I don’t care, call it what you will. This is my life to live. There’s just one problem, one thing I can’t escape. It’s becoming harder and harder to keep this up. It’s not that I don’t want to it’s just that it feels like something is chasing me, begging me to give in. Every time I log in to Twitter, talk to a friend, turn on the TV, it’s like a message insists on coming through….I’m tired of living like this, tired of feeling on the verge of a breakthrough or breakdown..maybe even both.. I don’t want to feel the way I felt before, it’s the reason why I live in this cave, this dark place.
I just keep hearing this whisper, this voice, telling me to live. I can’t escape it, everywhere I go, everywhere I turn, I hear His voice telling me to turn to Him. Where do I even start? I have some of the darkest, ugliest secrets…truths so ugly they hurt me to think of….these aren’t lies someone told on me..not a victim, nothing happened.. this really is me..things I said, lies I told…but I’m hungry for You. It used to be easy to run but my soul is tired, my heart is broken. I have nowhere to go, I’m in need of a touch, a reminder of my worth. I don’t even know why I’m here, don’t know why you kept me instead of them but……I want to find out.
God if you can hear this small broken voice among the thousands of strong and mighty, hear me from my heart…..I’m ready…I can’t help what I did, can’t help who I hurt, I just want to feel again….If it’s true what they say, that we are precious in your sight, in spite of the wrong and the past, I want to see myself through Your eyes. I want to get so lost in You, I find the person You intended me to be. I feel like everyone around me is a part of something bigger, something greater than me and You are the only common denominator. It’s time for me to make a change, time for me to give it my all. I’m ready to lay my life down, more of You, less of me.
There’s not a life that isn’t worth the sacrifice of the blood shed on Calvary. There is no past too dark, no secret too dirty that he will turn his back on you. When you feel the most alone, the most afraid, He is there. The one constant, in a world promised to change. You’re not too far that His love can’t reach you. When you’re ready, open your mouth, make your request known to Him. He who is able to do exceedingly, abundantly above all that you may ask or think.
It’s time to get your life right… time to let go of the things that hurt you, the pain you caused yourself…the things that numbed you, time for you to find your purpose…Find the God who gave you life and gives you grace. I don’t know where you are in your life, what keeps you from giving in but know that God is calling for you. He will meet you where you are, and take you where you need to be but you have to answer the call. Make the decision to start your life anew. God has used more broken, more scared, more torn…what are you waiting for? He can’t save you until you call for help… The time is now….

 -Sarah Henson

http://sarahdhenson.wordpress.com/